My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .” F*ck that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”
Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” - The operator says, “how do you know?” He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”