Fresh laughs with the online Fast Show

The laughs just keep on coming with the Fast Show 2011. The online series is the first time we’ve seen new sketches for the show since 2000, and creators Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson certainly haven’t lost their touch. They’ve shown us that many of the original characters have plenty more fun left in them and that they’re also in touch with today’s technology.

Take two of the show’s favourite awkward characters – shy and retiring Ted and his effete master Ralph, who spends most of his time trying to engage Ted in conversation and usually fails miserably. In episode 6 of the online series we see Ralph asking Ted if he tweets and whether he’s on Facebook. He talks his way around the subject for a while, before finally asking Ted a little nervously if he’ll be his friend. Ted looks alarmed and asks whether Ralph is talking about online or otherwise. Ralph looks delighted at the possibility, but Ted quashes any false hopes by saying he’d rather keep any friendship with his boss online only.

Other favourites have made a comeback including Swiss Toni, Insecure Woman and Billy Bleach. And with six episodes of the ten part series already online at Fosters’ UK site, we only have four more episodes to wait for. Each new episode is released on Thursday at 1pm, but of course, you can watch the other episodes again at any time.

Rumour has it that the new series owes its return to the huge numbers of fans of the original TV show searching online for Fast Show funny videos. Charlie Higson explained at the premiere for the Fast Show 2011 that it was the knowledge that people wanted more of the Fast Show that made him and co-creator and writer Paul Whitehouse agree to write the new series.

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Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

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“A lot like making love to a beautiful woman”

My comedy hero is back with a vengeance. Oh Swiss Tony – where have you been!?

Yes that’s right, Swiss Tony himself is back with Fast show 2011 courtesy of fosters.co.uk every Thursday at 1pm.

And with the Fast Show of course, comes the fast-talking suave, sophisticated and bequiffed super second-hand car salesman – Swiss Tony himself, with his sage advice for his assistant and protégé; long suffering Paul!

Here’s a quote from the great man himself:

“Of course, as you know, I’m a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I’ve often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you’ve got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there’s plenty of shot in your bag.”

Just in case you have no idea what I’m talking about – then do yourself a big favour and search for a few Fast Show videos from the original series during the late 90s and tune in to the news stuff at Fosters. I promiseyou won’t regret it – even the second hand stuff.

As Tony he once said:

“Checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who’s to say the fellow before you didn’t give her a good spraying?”

You get the picture; his advice is largely the same. But there can be inexplicable humour in repeating the same thing over andover. If you don’t think so – just ask Vic and Bob.

After all, they wouldn’t let it lie would they!?

 

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The Innocence Of Children

The Innocence Of ChildrenA college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo’s.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say: “Red…………cherry,” “Yellow………lemon,” “Green……….lime,” “Orange……..orange.”

Finally the professor gave them all honey flavoured Polos.

After eating them for afew moments none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well,” he said “I’ll give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

“Oh My God!!!! They’re ar*e-holes!!”

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Make sure you understand the business proposal

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…….

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, ‘I’ll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you.’ But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, ‘I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. ‘

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, ‘Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast; he won’t even be able to get his pants down.’

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.  Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, ‘The bastard used coins!’

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Understanding Engineers!

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

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Cheap flights

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Contains language that some may find offensive

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Quick quips

I dialled a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

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Some one (to three) liner quips

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.  F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?  All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .” F*ck that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” - The operator says, “how do you know?” He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”

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Some great one (to three) liners

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.  F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?  All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .” F*ck that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” - The operator says, “how do you know?” He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”

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